The setbacks I thought I'd never recover from (and how I did)
“We need to talk”, my husband said on his way to bed one night.
“Well, this is it. He’s ready to have that difficult discussion”, I said to myself, as I prepared a list of couples therapists we could choose from.
I had been wanting to talk about the rough patch in our marriage for a while now. He pushed away my bids for conversation.
So, that morning when we sat down to talk, I was ready with an extra pot of coffee. I settled into the couch for what I thought would be a hard, but meaningful conversation.
“Lisa. I’ve been having an affair. I know you don’t believe in affairs. Here’s an attorney's card. He’s expecting your call.”
And off to work he went.
Wait! Whaaaat?!? I felt sucker punched. I couldn’t breathe. I felt duped.
That “attorney’s card moment” was a huge wake up call for me. I was confused, deeply hurt and viscerally angry. So angry, in fact, that I thought I’d never get the taste of disgust out of my mouth.
Everything I thought I knew about my life now felt based upon a lie. And I thought I’d never bounce back. But, of course I did.
When things hurt us, we often think we’ll never get over it. Sometimes it feels like the blanket was pulled out from under our carefully curated picnic, sending everything we prepared flying in all directions.
Sometimes the plans we make blow up in our face. It can all feel very unfair.
And then I remind myself that we were never promised a fair life. What we were promised is the ability to learn through the struggle and come out stronger on the other side. Here’s proof.
1. GETTING A DIVORCE
Getting a divorce after 20 years of marriage was scary, confusing, and painful. But even in my deepest grief and on my worst days, I had faith I would be OK. As alone as I felt, I knew I wasn’t the first woman to experience this. While everything felt out of my control, I also knew that I did have control over how I responded to what was happening. And to make things more simple, during a very chaotic time, I filtered all my actions through the lens of my values. My logical side knew that if I acted in congruence with my values, things would turn around for the better. I was right. Align your actions with your values.
2. LOSING A PARENT
I’m not sure you ever get past losing a parent. But I can say, for me, that the shape of my grief has changed over time. That sharp sting has morphed into a dull ache. There is one thing I know for sure: I still have my dad, just not here on earth, in the physical form. My dad, who was a pastor, is with me in the way I think and speak, in the things I value, and in my knack for kicking a soccer ball. Love is stronger than death. And love never leaves you. Honor your family in how you live.
3. SCREWING UP AT WORK
When we make a mistake at work we often feel as though it’s the end of the world. It’s not. I was so out of sorts and overwhelmed in my first year of teaching, that I was called into the principal's office for the first time in my life! “Lisa, you’re not the same confident, young woman I hired. What’s going on?” Was I mortified? Completely! Was it career ending? Nope. I took it as a lesson and changed how I approached my life going forward. I became a better teacher/person for it. Find the learning in your mistakes.
4. MOVING AWAY FROM FAMILY
My husband and I got married right after my college graduation. We moved 9 times in 6 years and I haven’t lived in the same state as my family since. Every decision has a price and I miss the simple, day to day interactions with my family. I try to visit them as often as I can, and especially for major milestones in their lives. On the plus side, distance means we don’t waste time arguing over the small stuff and our time together feels special and always meaningful. Treat the simple times with family as special times.
5. NOT GETTING MY MASTERS DEGREE DIRECTLY AFTER UNDERGRAD
When I was an undergraduate I was a resident advisor. Back in the day, Penn State offered room, board and half tuition in exchange for being an RA. I could have stayed at Penn State and gotten my masters degree in two years, with that same sweetheart of a deal. Basically, my cost to get a master’s degree would have been half tuition and two years of my time! I loved being an RA and campus life, yet, I wanted to move on to “real life” so I postponed getting my master’s degree.. I lacked wisdom and maturity. I didn’t have perspective. This will remain my one regret in life. ‘Real life’ is now. Say yes to the opportunities.
Throughout most of my life, I believed that life is a matter of “if this, then that” scenarios. If I do THIS then I should get THAT. But I was wrong. I was giving myself way too much credit.
Now in my late fifties, I’ve learned that as much control I think I have over my life- I have none.
Here’s the truth: We only have control over our thoughts, our actions and our responses to circumstances.
The real world can be harsh and even unfair. It’s full of uncertainty, change and for sure, some loss.
But it’s only because of the lows, that we can fully appreciate the highs- healthy relationships, the eternal love of family and the profound growth through our own mistakes.
In Man’s Search For Meaning, considered to be the most widely read book to come out of the Holocaust, Viktor Frankl writes, “Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.”
Frankl believed that when we are no longer able to change a situation ‘we are challenged to change ourselves.’
We all have setbacks. The difference between people who are content and happy and those who are dissatisfied and sad is in HOW they respond to those bumps in the road.
Now the only question you need to answer is what is your setback asking of you right now?
With respect for the life you’re leading,
Lisa
P.S. Gaining perspective and growing through a setback often takes a trained coach or therapist.
P.S.S. While coaching is NOT therapy, (I’m skilled at triaging whether therapy is/is not appropriate) I CAN tell you that many of my clients have shared that their sessions with me have been more helpful, with more practical and tactical strategies than sessions they've had with a therapist.
P.S.S. Want to work through your setbacks together? Let’s hop on a call and talk about how that could look.